Cheat Codes

I’ve heard a few people say that one way to improve our educational system is to design classes to be more like video games.  But these people are usually gamers, and I think what they're basically saying is they wish classes were as fun and/or entertaining as the games they enjoy playing.  As both an educator and gamer, I understand where they're coming from (I'm even using a cheesy XP system in my upcoming chemistry book), but at the same time I'd argue that what counts as fun in a game doesn’t always translate to fun in the classroom.  Without even getting into the fact that fun is relative, and the line between fun and frustrating can be pretty thin, imagine if some of gaming’s greatest developers and creators were actually professors at a university.


Vice Chancellor of the University of Kick-ass


Dr. Ward & Dr. Treyarch:  They teach the same class, alternating years.  Not only do some people think the class is so good that they take it every year they’re in school, they willingly pay their tuition twice each time (three if they're on the Xbox campus).  While the classes are generally regarded as engaging and entertaining, many will find the group exercises to be a major annoyance, as many of your classmates will harass you with their persistent racism and homophobia. 

Dr. Bungie: Similar to Dr. Ward & Dr. Treyarch’s class, only with more teabagging.

Dr. Belenski: Really likable professor, especially among frat boys.  Just don’t ask him to get too serious.  It can feel a little forced and uncomfortable to the point of embarrassment.

Dr. Yamauchi: Brilliant professor whose Advanced Automotive course is second to none.  Unfortunately, odds are good that he won’t offer another class until after you’ve graduated.

Dr. Mak: A relatively new music teacher.  The only way to get an A in his class is to take his tests over and over (and over) again until you finally pass.  The questions are completely randomized and there’s a strict time limit, so it’s really more about testing your patience as much as anything else.

Dr. Suda: You’ll hear really awesome things about this guy’s courses, but when you finally take one you soon realize that you have no clue what the fuck is actually going on.  His T.A.’s are hot, though, and you can usually pass without breaking too much of a sweat, so you won’t mind too much.

Dr. McMillen: Another new professor.  His classes are incredibly difficult.  You're guaranteed to fail a lot of assignments and you’re going to get so pissed off by semester’s end that you’ll end up breaking every pencil you own.  Yet you'll still find yourself saying it was one of the best classes you’ve ever taken.

Dr. Kojima: An incredibly innovative teacher, but Sweet Jesus does his lectures go on for-ev-er.  What’s more, you’ll eventually begin to wonder if he hasn’t been making things up on the fly the entire semester.

Dr. Zynga: For reasons that are beyond comprehension, he’s an incredibly popular teacher, even though he's spent his entire career plagiarizing other professors.  Seriously, fuck this guy.

Dr. Itagaki: All most people know about him is that he never takes off his sunglasses, he’s very critical of his colleagues, and boy! does he love breasts.

Dr. Newell: One of the best teachers of all time.  Every class he offers is simply amazing.  I’ve even heard that he takes his entire research group to Hawaii every year.  But there’s one course that everyone wants him to teach again and that son of a bitch just refuses to let anyone know when that’s going to happen.