Two Thousand When?

In 1981, Arthur C. Clarke predicted that 2010 would be the year we made contact.  Unfortunately, this was also the year that MTV launched, so instead of getting "something wonderful."


we get this


 And while we're looking back at 2010...

Republicans are morons: It was an election year, so there was the biannual march of angry “patriots” preaching the true values of America and the sanctity of the constitution…well, except for that pesky “freedom of religion” thing in the First Amendment, plus that 14th amendment that lets Mexican babies become citizens.   And say what you want about The Green Party costing Al Gore the 2000 election, or the Reform Party costing George H.W. Bush the ’92 election, at least those guys had the balls the form an actual party. 

Democrats are morons.  Nancy Pelosi’s run as Speaker of the House was like that scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie met Santa.  He waits ecstatically for his turn and when the big moment finally happens he just sat there, mouth agape and frozen in terror until an elf finally pulls him off and puts him on the big red slide.  It’s not until his decent begins that he comes to his senses, hangs on for dear life and yells, “Wait, we’ve actually accomplished stuff the last two years.”  But it’s too late, and the fat guy in the red suit kicks him in the face.

Person of the Year: Jon Stewart: If anything sums up how screwed up the media is, it’s that the most trusted name in news is (still) on Comedy Central.  Not only is he the sole reason the Zadroga Act was passed, he’s the only reason most people heard of the bill in the first place.  He was fighting for 9-11 responders when “real” journalists were wasting their time on Christine O'Donnell, and if his final show of the year doesn’t earn him a Peabody award, I don’t know what qualifies.  Well, to be honest, I don’t really know what qualifies someone to win a Peabody, but guddamn it he deserves something for it.

Dumbest story of the year:  Katy Perry on Sesame Street.  Anyone who actually complained about that outfit should be slapped in the face with a Peter Pan DVD.

Katy Perry.jpg

Pop quiz: which one's dressed like a slut, and which one sings Teenage Dream?

Trust me, you over-protective zealot, if I survived Richard Pryor trying to teach me the alphabet.

 Your child can survive Katy Perry’s cleavage.    

Song of the Year: "Forget You" be Cee Lo Green.  It's just a shame that the album's label felt the need to stiffle the artist's creative vision by releasing a dirty version of the song so it would sell to people who like the word fuck.

I’ve become a game designer.  Well, not really, but being one of the DML winners was pretty cool.

Three reasons why Red Dead Redemption was better than Mass Effect 2: 1) When you kill a Krogan, can you skin it?  OK, moving on… 2) “Far Away,” by Jose Gonzales 3) An ending that wasn’t just a great ending to a game, but a great ending to a storySuck on that, Ebert

Three reasons I like God of War III over Mass Effect 2:  1) Shepard chooses to be a Paragon or a Renegade; Kratos chooses to rip you apart at the neck or rip you apart at the torso.  2) Kratos doesn't need a crew with daddy issues (he has enough of his own, thank you).  3) Kratos doesn't mine anything...except intestines.

My personal top five of 2010 (at this particular moment, anyway):

  1. Red Dead Remption
  2. God of War III
  3. Mass Effect 2
  4. Heavy Rain (w/ Move controls)
  5. Fallout: New Vegas (despite the number of times it crashed on me)

Honorable mention: Battlefield: Bad Company 2 Multiplayer

Rebury the dead: I loved Zombieland and Red Dead’s Undead Nightmare, but how much longer can this zombie fad last?  For chrissake, they’re actually turning Pride and Prejudice and Zombies into a movie.  We’ve drained the well.  It’s over.  The shark has been jumped, the boat’s returned to dock, and the Fonz has put his pants back on. Seriously, give it rest before Glee decides to recreate the Thriller video.